The Three Parenting Styles
These three styles are called the Permissive style, the Aggressive style, and the Assertive style.
Let’s take a look at three different ways a parent might handle the same situation: an eight-year-old leaves his things all over the family room floor even after being asked numerous times to pick up after himself.
Permissive Style
“Oh love bunny, I see your stuff is still left out. I guess you were too busy to clean up. I’ll clean up for you so you can find everything next time you want to play with them.”
This parent demonstrates what is called the Permissive style that relies most heavily on the nurture role, but without offering enough structure.
This parent does not hold the child accountable for cleaning up his items and does not show herself to be the authority figure in the home.
Clues that you are Using the Permissive Style
Evading discipline issues
Begging for cooperation
Acting flustered
Being unclear or indirect in your requests
Being a martyr versus asking for what you need
Worrying about being “liked” by your child
Fearing that you may upset your child
Blaming yourself and taking all the responsibility when problems arise
Being inconsistent with expectations
Results of Using the Permissive Style
Your child does not learn to respect you.
He is not held accountable for his behavior.
Proper limits are not set.
Your child has too much power in the house.
He does not learn to be responsible to fulfill obligations.
He is not encouraged to learn the tasks of everyday living that he will need as an adult.
As a result, your child will not build healthy self-esteem. It also damages the relationship between you and your child.
When you use a permissive style of parenting, you do not show yourself to be “in-charge,” and as a result, your child will be less likely to turn to you for guidance in other situations in his life.
Aggressive Style
“I’m sick and tired of seeing your things all over the room. Why are you such an irresponsible annoying slob? That’s it for you – you are grounded for a week and I’m throwing out all your things.”
This parent demonstrates the other end of the discipline pendulum, which is called the Aggressive style of parenting. It relies most heavily on the structure role, while not including enough caring and nurture.
A parent using this style refuses to listen to the child’s point of view at all and is typically harsh, angry, and cold.
Clues that you are Using the Aggressive Style
Having many power struggles
Accusing your child of having bad intentions
Discrediting your child’s ideas
Tricking, teasing, humiliating your child
Doling out harsh punishments
Rigidly enforcing rules
Withholding information about expectations
Having a litany of strict rules
Results of Using the Aggressive Style
The self-esteem of your child is damaged because he does not feel understood or supported.
The parent-child relationship is weakened as your child would not feel that you are someone he could turn to if he had a problem.
Children from these families often become either overly submissive or rebellious.
Assertive Style
“Jon, I see your games are still not put away as I asked you to do. It is really bothering me that I can’t count on you to take care of your things and I can’t stand seeing the family room be such a mess. We need to come up with a plan for you to put your things away. Until we can agree upon a plan, there are no electronics for you.”
This parent demonstrates the third style of discipline which falls in between the two extremes and is called the Assertive approach to parenting.
Parents using this approach are willing to listen and yet still hold firm so that the parent’s and the child’s needs are both basically met.
When setting limits, the parent does not get sidetracked, can provide choices, and allows the child an opportunity to participate in finding a solution.
Clues that you are Using the Assertive Style
Persisting until your requests are followed
Listening to your child’s point of view
Giving brief reasons
Revealing honest feelings
Politely refusing
Empathizing
Setting reasonable consequences
Accepting your need to be “in-charge”
Not blaming your child
Making clear, direct requests
Having rules that are flexible
Results of Using the Assertive Style
This style:
is most successful because it uses a healthy balance of both nurture and structure.
raises your child’s self-esteem because you communicate that your child is lovable and loved and worthy of respect.
communicates that your child is capable of meeting the demands that life places on him – he can tolerate some frustration and he can contribute to solving the problems he encounters.
builds a strong parent-child relationship, as your child realizes that he can depend on you to both understand his struggles and provide guidance and support. When you use an Assertive style of parenting, your child is more likely to come to you for direction in the future as issues arise in his life.
Benefits to Children
They:
see you as a source of support.
have a sense of safety because rules are in place.
feel lovable and worthy of being cared for.
feel listened to and understood.
develop basic feelings of trust in relationships.
learn to be kind to other people.
consider another person’s point of view.
learn to tolerate frustration and disappointment.
learn to be responsible and to make decisions.
learn that they are capable of doing things.
become more independent.
learn they can tackle difficult situations.
Tips for Using an Assertive Parenting Style
Your children see you modeling assertiveness as you take care of and respect yourself and others. To use an Assertive approach:
LISTEN When your children talk about things that may bother them, acknowledge their feelings and let them know you have heard them.
Be respectful When you discipline, you can set limits without blaming or shaming your children.
Model Exhibit the behavior you would like your children to exhibit.
Give children choices When possible give your kids opportunities to make decisions on issues that effect them. This is respectful, encourages independence, and shows you have trust in them. Your children are more likely to cooperate when they have had a say in the decision-making.
Send clear messages about your expectations
Establish clear rules Know that it is in your children’s best interest to have clear rules that are consistently enforced with persistence, love, and warmth.
Use praise Praise your children for positive behavior that you would like to see repeated: “Catch them being good.”
Plan ahead To avoid problems, anticipate situations that might be difficult for your children. Prepare them for such times.
Follow through with discipline and consequences
Be consistent Also allow for sufficient flexibility to accommodate specific situations and your unique child.
Summary of Three Parenting Styles
Too Much Nurture (Permissive Style)Balance of Nurture/Structure (Assertive Style)Too Much Structure (Aggressive Style)EvadesPersistsBlows upBegsListens to other’s pointHas power struggles“Makes do”Gives brief reasonsAccusesActs flusteredReveals honest feelingsEndlessly arguesIs unclearPolitely refusesDiscredits other’s ideasIs a martyrEmpathizesTricks, teases, humiliatesWorries about popularityCarries out reasonable consequencesGives harsh punishmentFears upsetting the childAccepts need to assertRigid enforcement of rulesBlames selfNo blameBlames childInconsistent information about expectationsClear, direct requestsWithholds information about expectationsChaos in physical and emotional environmentRules are flexible and change as children growLitany of strict rules